I gotta couple things I wanna do with my life I was to not dismiss my past all in one but embrace it learn from it become better because of it and succeed . It’s a lot that I need and I ask my self am I doing better that I was this time last year ? The answer is hmmmmm so so .. I have a beautiful daughter who fills me with and makes me a better woman everyday but financially man I’m still the same and I still don’t have a car … Man I need to get this daycare situatief for Lay and grind hard ! What’s stopping me I don’t know ! and then I could an old friend of mine to help me out with the car situation but I don’t want to have to jeopardize my integrity and my loyalty to do so ..
So far gone …
How do I even update y’all so much has happened… Baby girl is here and doing well ! I thank God everyday for her ! Oh wait , so about a month after baby girl I just couldn’t take it any more my love just was getting on my nerves I felt like I had nothing nowhere to take my baby so y’all wouldn’t believe what happened next , I went to a shelter where I had my baby and I living with off and on 6 other moms and families I felt that was my best step and to be honest I’m glad I weathered that storm with and for my baby …. Now I gotta get my bread right man I just feel like I’m at a stand still can’t save money cause I only get my welfare check. I feel like I’m not doing all I can but I’m stressed out its just so much . Was working at a call center out the way but with no car or baby sitter that was stupid even to start I quit with out saying anything im trying to move forward but I feel like I’m just In The middle of a tornado !
Sheesh
So in the midst of everything as far as being a new mom a girlfriend etc. J comes back to ruin my lil life. My life which may sound as if is but is far from perfect. He texted me and I texted back I opened Pandora’s box. Our dialogue was similar to the old days reckless and disrespectful and for some reason I got a sort of thrill from that. Lacking attention from my man due to his own personal issues so he says. I just wanted to feel like OG Me again ! The thing is that’s not who I am anymore and it took that encounter to show me that God has had this plan for me all along and the more I veer away from the life he designed for me the more hurt I’ll be in the end. Let’s not get mistaken though, I love my boyfriend/baby daddy/ lover to death and beyond but it’s necessary for a woman like me to feel wanted and needed and to be chased a little. J tho he’s cool but he’s not anyone I see a future with and he keeps trying to come in my life I’m cool! One time he’s like what’s up i respond with stop texting me please he hits me back with f^^k you then hoe 😂😂😂 like what ? And had the nerve to text me again about 2 weeks later trying to “get me back in his life” 😂😂 lord help him . My love has been riding for me tho and teaching me so much he’s not ideal when it comes to chivalry and other small things but I know that when things get rough he’ll still be there so I feel I owe him my loyalty no matter who or what comes along. I feel like we’re doing ok I want us to be doing great!
Oh sh*t.
I ain’t tell y’all moms low key on the way home she has a lil time tho bout 5 weeks the countdown is real I can’t wait till she gets here, yea that’s around the time lil baby coming through too 👶🏽😂😂 so two of my favorite people gone be just giving me lifeeeeeee!! She’s been good though a lil salty she can’t be here right now but for the most part blessed🤗🔵💕
Still Deep 😩
Today I’m just feeling like I’m cool, I feel like he don’t love me Fareal and I just gotta go get my own space and if it’s meant to be be it’ll be . I feel like somebody else has his attention like I’m just here Boah no love no hugs no good mornings or anything no matter how good I am to him and trust me I’m good to this man . The other night I think he lied to me and went to see a female or something I don’t know though I mean it is what it is at this point.
Damn my bad y’all I’m Pressure I been gone for a bout 8 months now but I felt like I had to tell someone my story💕
I’m with that guy I was in too deep for. Yeah, he got me. But what’s even crazier is I’m 8 months pregnant. Yup me, life took a turn I’m exited about my baby girl though and I know I’m going to be a bomb ass mother despite ANYTHING n’ EVERYTHING ‼️
But let me update y’all it’s been sooooooo much man where do I start ❔ ok first we took a trip to Tennessee nothing super major but that’s where the magic happened and my baby girl was conceived. Since I was living with my peoples ready to go fr I had started being with him like everyday at his people’s house. Big mistake on my part , then he moved into an apartment and I felt like shid what’s yours is mine, right? Shid ion know. I was working but around my maybe 5th or 6th month I quit it was too much for me being that I was preggers and all. So I got on my entrepreneurial shiz and been doing that every since. I can give y’all more once I think of it all like I said its a lot. But what got me talking to y’all though is the fact that this nigga ain’t paying me no attention I swear I’m like fuck him man I gotta baby to fill my heart now and no time to be trying to figure out why he just stop doing what he used to do. I sometimes feel if we didn’t live together would he be so tired of me is he tired of me lol I’m not tired of him I just want to love him but the way he’s treating me I refuse to do so. I want to confront him straight up like so what’s up you got anything you want to get off yo chest? You got something you need to tell me, do we need to talk, is somebody else getting your attention? Big girl shit huh? But I’m like fuck that ! Let that shit ride he wanna act like he can’t talk to me and shit I feel him and that’s cool I just got to get out of here! What’s crazy is I’m due in less than a month and I barely got shit saved $$$ , got people willing to help though shid that’s what’s gone have to happen I ain’t trying to be nowhere I’m not wanted or appreciated. I did the most for this nigga the other day and he had the nerve to say to me “you ain’t been a good girlfriend anyway” I almost flipped my lid lol but seriously ! I’m in so deep but I know it’s a way out just gotta find my shovel and get to digging.
In too deep, already
to update you all my life has been on some rocky shit one day it’s all good and progressing next day I’m ready to say f*ck it Ima get a pack. I called myself getting a boyfriend man I don’t kno if that was a mistake or not but I’m already ready to tell him I just want to do me. I hate feelings I despise consistency because I want it so much if that makes sense. This man makes me feel higher than clouds and low as dirt sometimes too I hate that fr. I asked myself if it’s my insecurities ? Is it the fact that I know he loves dark skin and I’m light and that constantly has me wondering why he chose me ? Did he choose me or was it convenient for him? But I kno once I get my money right and in the gym my mind will be a bit clearer …….. I also have only smoked one or two times since we started being serious and I often ask my self is this what u fear constantly ? Your own emotions, do you smoke to hide the pain? Yes the answer to that question is yes ……. I only started smoking heavy once my life started being just a tad unbearable . Now it’s like I fear my emotions cause they are soooooo up and down. Like I’m literally near tears all the time for nothing it’s seriously crazy …. My baby handles me tho but his eyes wander wayyyyyy too much …. It’s just so disrespectful and aggravating …. I keep saying I put all my eggs in one basket but I ain’t feeling the love so I gotta take a few out set them to the side … You know lean back a bit .. Shid I need to see if he’s gone lean forward if not ✌🏽️ cause I ain’t got time for no extra perpin shit … Speaking of love I told him already and he said his feelings aren’t there yet. Yes I commend the honesty but Dam ! That was like oh yeah bizh take it easy ….. So now I’m just chilling got so much stuff to handle and get on top of I low key feel like it’s bad timing to be in too deep, already.
moving forward 😖
I believe the only way to move forward is to look back on EVERYTHING I DID. To 1: Accept It and 2: Let that shit go and realize nobody’s perfect! As long as you deliver yourself from the situation what can anybody say–No , what can yu say?– F**k people ❕👊🏾 More importantly how can you be so upset with yourself with something you have accepted? How can others use something you have become comfortable with against you ? But most importantly you’re heart will feel so much better so let’s see…………
10:05 July 1 ’15
I didn’t even realize it was the first … Man and my moms birthday month … SHES TURNING FOURTY ❕❕❕❕ I’m super excited but kind of salty she will have to spend a special birthday in that place but that’s my baby and she has to take care of this , her past just caught up with her and I never thought she would be taken from me man ever I thought it was a game but this is real life !” Like my guys skally and nem ( shout out to down the way) ( sorry I got ratchet real quick 😂🙈) “. Furthermore, I believe a part of me wanted something to say , something to add to my struggle it sounds weird because it is , I think I’m saying that I wanted another reason to be sad to be upset to hate the world to shut everyone out… But I miss my mother I know she’s ok tho. 😻 everything’s going to be just fine …….
MotionsENse
It’s been a while but I need you today … I’m so damn emotional ! Yes I started my cycle today but I’m being insecure and jealous and mean and sad . What’s crazy is the fact that I have a boyfriend it’s bringing it all out …. My heart is so heavy and I want to tell him that it’s not him that it’s everything in my life…..
Next morning:
I’m feeling so much better I slept it off and I’m feeling the sun shine bright my heart feels so light maybe because I didn’t run away like I wanted to yesterday, I wanted to go home I was feeling so angry with him and I knew he didn’t deserve that ..I knew it was me trying to pull away .. But he didn’t let me leave, well I also didn’t really want to… But anyways I woke up thinking about calling “Thing 2” that’s another story , but my baby is changing me well showing me that the change I have been craving is necessary and only I can make that change foreal…. Thing 2 has been calling me for about 2 days straight, THING ONE–well J.S.–has too, but I just blocked they numbers I want to do right by him …I WANT TO DO RIGHT BY MYSELF, I deserve the world and everything in it. That’s what I’m working for right ? That’s why I’m stressing and sacrificing now : RIGHT? Yea that’s why ….. ALL MY PAST MISTAKES IM LETTING GO RIGHT NOW @ 10:02 July 1st 2015
pressures Blog 